49 days ago today I was in one of the lowest places in my life. Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts all came to visit me. Let’s get into it.
You see like most of this generation I was addicted to busting nuts (or masturbating) and looking at more girls in bikinis than I could count. Staying up late getting high off all the images and videos I consumed. I was a true fucking sack of shit and my mind was a reflection of that. Looking back I am shameful and a bit embarrassed, but truly I’m fucking proud of how far I’ve come and I know I am not that person anymore. I’m going to tell you what happened now so you can understand.
I was depressed and confused. I still am now but out of 10 probably a 3-4. Where as 49 days prior It was a 10-13. I was in a loop of addiction, regret and remorse. I was in a state of blur. That blur being a foggy storm of skin, red eyes, depression and anxiety. It got really bad towards the end. I was addicted so badly it was on my mind 24/7. I couldn’t stop thinking of my next nut. You see, when you’re addiction surrounds around something that’s in endless supply well, you’re pretty much fucked. And this shit definitely fucked me up good time.
Towards the end I was so done with it. I was hating myself for doing it. But I couldn’t stop. I had NO CONTROL. I was possessed by the devil. In his hands and clutches. I had lost myself and my life and soul. I once wrote a note in my phone that I had fallen into a pit I dug myself and I need to climb out. There were chains on my back cemented through my bones. Fuck now I’m reflecting I was addicted to a drug. I have experience with addiction. I was at a stage were I said to myself I stop now or I’m going to kill myself. I was having suicidal thoughts and decided it was better to be dead then to live addicted and a slave to my sexual desires. I would slap a rubber band across my wrist, cut my fave with the knife and torture myself in the shower. I had lost it. Porn and Masterbation will fuck you up. Me, I wanted to stop. Most guys don’t give a fuck. Fuck those guys. But those who do it’s like leaving a hell disguised as heaven.
Not one pic or video ever brought anything to my life. It just did one thing, shows me that I was lacking and a fucking loser. I had put all my self worth and happiness onto that screen and onto those women. It was definitely a fucked up time in my life. I was having terrible dreams. Perverted dreams. If I didn’t stop. I was going to hell and prison very soon.
So what happened? I don’t completely know what. Because they’re many possibilities why. But I say one thing. God had mercy on me. These 49 days of Nofap or Semen retention have been a damn blessing. I couldn’t of saved myself. I was too weak. God gave me the light and the strength. I owe it to him always. Yes it is me aswell, but I always thank Allah for showing me the way out.
In these 49 days I’ve learnt so much. And all that has helped me go on and never look back.
It’d be too much to note here. I have a YouTube channel called Journaling Days and I go into more detail there as to what’s helped me. Good Luck!