What fucked me up

49 days ago today I was in one of the lowest places in my life. Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts all came to visit me. Let’s get into it.

You see like most of this generation I was addicted to busting nuts (or masturbating) and looking at more girls in bikinis than I could count. Staying up late getting high off all the images and videos I consumed. I was a true fucking sack of shit and my mind was a reflection of that. Looking back I am shameful and a bit embarrassed, but truly I’m fucking proud of how far I’ve come and I know I am not that person anymore. I’m going to tell you what happened now so you can understand.

I was depressed and confused. I still am now but out of 10 probably a 3-4. Where as 49 days prior It was a 10-13. I was in a loop of addiction, regret and remorse. I was in a state of blur. That blur being a foggy storm of skin, red eyes, depression and anxiety. It got really bad towards the end. I was addicted so badly it was on my mind 24/7. I couldn’t stop thinking of my next nut. You see, when you’re addiction surrounds around something that’s in endless supply well, you’re pretty much fucked. And this shit definitely fucked me up good time.

Towards the end I was so done with it. I was hating myself for doing it. But I couldn’t stop. I had NO CONTROL. I was possessed by the devil. In his hands and clutches. I had lost myself and my life and soul. I once wrote a note in my phone that I had fallen into a pit I dug myself and I need to climb out. There were chains on my back cemented through my bones. Fuck now I’m reflecting I was addicted to a drug. I have experience with addiction. I was at a stage were I said to myself I stop now or I’m going to kill myself. I was having suicidal thoughts and decided it was better to be dead then to live addicted and a slave to my sexual desires. I would slap a rubber band across my wrist, cut my fave with the knife and torture myself in the shower. I had lost it. Porn and Masterbation will fuck you up. Me, I wanted to stop. Most guys don’t give a fuck. Fuck those guys. But those who do it’s like leaving a hell disguised as heaven.

Not one pic or video ever brought anything to my life. It just did one thing, shows me that I was lacking and a fucking loser. I had put all my self worth and happiness onto that screen and onto those women. It was definitely a fucked up time in my life. I was having terrible dreams. Perverted dreams. If I didn’t stop. I was going to hell and prison very soon.

So what happened? I don’t completely know what. Because they’re many possibilities why. But I say one thing. God had mercy on me. These 49 days of Nofap or Semen retention have been a damn blessing. I couldn’t of saved myself. I was too weak. God gave me the light and the strength. I owe it to him always. Yes it is me aswell, but I always thank Allah for showing me the way out.

In these 49 days I’ve learnt so much. And all that has helped me go on and never look back.

It’d be too much to note here. I have a YouTube channel called Journaling Days and I go into more detail there as to what’s helped me. Good Luck!

The Dopamine Detox (Day 1)

My first day. Like most things I do it starts of high and easy. Then slowly becomes strenuous and I give it all up completely. You see. I lack discipline and mental toughness. As well as self-restraint and meaningful activity. Yeah especially in the world’s circumstances of today.

What the hell is this all about?

Well with all that other crap being said, it’s time to see what this Dopamine Detox is all about. Essentially, all my plan is to Dopamine Detox for 3 weeks or 1 month. If you know the words then you know roughly what this is about. Dopamine.. Detox.

During these 3 weeks one must stay away from certain things. Such as the internet, videogames, Porn and all that low shit, drugs (not that I do them). Or any stimulating activity that gives your Domaine levels an unnatural spike.

For me. I’m quitting videogames, going on my phone unless it’s for educational purposes. I don’t watch porn or masterbate anymore and I’ll make a post on that soon. I also will not be watching any television. God help me.

Although I’ll be stopping things what most people cannot live without, there are things one can do in the meantime. Tell me what you think of these activities instead. Writing, drawing, reading (non-picture), exercise, helping out around the house, learning a new skill, socializing with family and friends, picking up a new hobby and the list goes on.

You see in those two paragraphs up above how this Dopamine Detox might benefit me or anyone who decides to do it. You become more productive and have better discipline. A better lifestyle and a healthier overall day.

My mind experiences information overload a lot of the time. And I also feel like a worthless piece of shit when all I do entertain myself. Now I’ll share with you my specific reason for doing it.

Firstly, I have a reason up above. But look, I need discipline in my life. It’s a great characteristic to have and will benefit me in life. I’m going to make a post on my story soon, but for now know that I was in a terrible state 49 days ago and I was having suicidal thoughts. It was also the time I was addicted to busting nuts and watching ass on my screen. In a lustful state. Go figure! I’ll be making more posts on that shit.

But here I am now. Day 1 of my Dopamine Detox. I am on my phone making this post so it’s okay. But no YouTube, apart from listening to audiobooks, uploading a video or watching educational documents and vids. No videogames which I love and no T.V which I also love.

A part from those things, I will also be sleeping no later than 12pm and waking no later than 8am.

Thanks for reading, take care

Fuck having a title

Hello y’all

I talk about some deep shit and yeah this is a random one. I’ve got a long story to tell which I’ll explain another time.

I’m on Nofap, or Semen Retention some may say. I call it being a fucking normal individual. Busting a damn nut every fucking day is stupid, lame and a fucking horrible way to live and die. Ill also talk later on about what made me make this decision.


For now, I want you all to you that I’m on my 49th Day of this Journey. I have a YouTube channel called ‘Jornaling Days’ in which I journal, note and reflect on shit during this time. Go check it out if ya like. Also I will be journaling here now as well. So I hope you fucking enjoy.

Take care and fare well πŸ˜ŠβœŠπŸΌπŸ•

Weak and strong.

It’s time

I am definitely a weak man. Definitely. But some tell me I’m strong enough to admit so. You see you can be strong or weak. But it’s the intelligence and decision making that makes the difference in my opinion. I am weak because I don’t do certain things to avoid conflict, people not liking me or rejecting me, always seeking others approval and basically not being grounded or firm within myself. A stronger version of me wouldn’t give a fuck about what others think of him, express himself whole heatedly and be firm in his own beliefs and opinions. Not me. I avoid these things all together. In this article or post, I will be writing a poem on this topic and I hope you enjoy. It’s called The Strong, The Weak.

You are not proud of some things within yourself. Know them

You have made terrible errors and mistake. Take responsibility and accept them

It is okay if you run from the darkness. As a coward does.

Be an intelligent coward if you can, he knows the darkness is there.

A fool is not aware of his down fall as he marches cluelessly

You are in control of the emotion that arises within you, or they be in control of you.

You become nothing more than a prisoner.

A strong man sees his darkness and fears. Accepts they’re there.

He doesn’t run. He just sees the darkness as the opportunity to become more light.

For light has no exsistence if there was no darkness.

I am a weak man. Always have been. Will I always be. I never know.

I just hate myself for being weak. It isn’t the best thing.

But maybe I should love myself that I know I’m weak. I’m not stupid at least

I have issues and I’m pretty messed up. Like you

So let us help one another.

It’s only when you allow yourself to be light and soft. Can you fly

But be solid and tough if you can when it’s needed.

You are strong, you are weak

It’s your choice

I’m trying to cut through the bullshit!

There’s so much SHIT going through my mind right now . It seems like I get into a mental rut and can’t find the strength to get out of it. My own self made living hell. For the first time ever I’ve been thinking suicidal thoughts. Don’t worry I’m okay now, but shit was I in a bad state. It’s a negative spiral. Everything my school counselor told me was true. Negative thoughts breed negative thoughts, and hell my negative thoughts are like honey. I’ve been the type to overthink and Overanalyze. Always in my head. I call it the repetitive cycle of mind-fuckingness. I remember this being a strong factor in my life during my early to mid teens. Especially when I stopped playing high-level basketball. Basketball was a safe haven for me. When I was on that court nothing else mattered. Then again, now that I think about it, when I was on that court basketball was the only thing that mattered off and on the playing field. I never had anything else that I really have a shit about. So it was easier to zone out and focus on the game. Once my knee Injury arose and I started to go through emotional changes and experiences, I began to become mentally isolated and absent minded. I could no longer focus on what I was doing. I was to concentrated on what I was feeling and or thinking. And now, that I really reflect on what the heck happened to me during that time period I realise a very important lesson. Not only in basketball but in life itself. I had to know decide for myself what the fuck was important and what wasn’t. Now at nearly 20, I haven’t made up my mind on that question. I had lived and still living life based off what ‘feels’ good. Or what is ‘comfortable’. Two simple ways that will lead you to self-destruction.

The present times. After reading Mark Mansons book ‘The Subtle Art of not giving a Fu*k’ I began to really take this shit seriously.

Right now. I have lost my sense of ‘what the fuck do I get up in the morning for?’ It happens to everyone from time to time and it’s critical that I must get to the bottom of this question. It’s purpose and meaning.

Firstly, having an Islamic faith. We are taught that we already have our purpose given to us. To worship God. Period. Follow his teachings and the path he made right for us. Things that the path include are Helping others, charity, being a good person, honesty, worship, respect and many more values and principals.

Before you begin to think I’m trying to convert you or something.. I’m not. Just let me explain the roots of my sense of exsistence. Thanks

If you’re in the same boat that I am. Waking up everyday, repeating the same routine, feeling like you have no significant meaning in your life, than you’ll get what I’m saying. What is worth getting ups for? Sacrificing for? Dying for?

It might not be that extreme for me right now, but those questions are vital. They give us meaning. Each individual will have their own way of doing this. It’s a personal journey so think of this independently.

For me, values i know are good values but fail to build character towards. Honesty, respect for oneself and others, challenging oneself, standing up for oneself, standing up for others, not being a douchebag or asshole, not behaving in violence the list goes on. Making me feel worse at the fact that I fail to meet these values.

It’s not only valuable to know your values, you must know your metrics. As Mark Manson mentioned in his book.

Before we get to that there’s something I’ve been wanting to add.

Ive been thinking. As always. If I had the same questions today if I were to be present in the past. The real past. Like decades ago. Men were given a purpose and responsibility. Like an extremely significant purpose or responsibility. We were responsible for our family or communities shelter, food, source of security and making sure everything was in order. Men went to war and had a sense of true meaning. A true ‘why’. Back then when the internet was non-existent, people were together and things were more collaborated. We knew what was only in front of us. Were as in today’s world we have access to what’s going on around the globe. Not only that, we are being fuelled with media immensely. How this is a bad thing? Well we are no longer interested in what’s happening in front of us. Our families, our homes, our bodies, our health or our situations. We have become so antisocial and distant with one another. It’s really sad.

Back to my metrics and values. Tell me, do you think you’re a good person? A bad person? What do you think? What do you even believe is true about yourself. Who are you and what are you living for?

What is important is to define for ourselves how we define ourselves. What do we use to measure our success in a particular value. For example. If I know that being honest is better than being dishonest I must then go on to define for myself what honesty is and how I will be successful in doing so.

The beliefs we have of ourselves

It takes a conscious effort to think about the beliefs you have of yourself. If you’re like me, you spend most of your time unconscious and brain numb because you already know and don’t want to accept it. You choose to believe that everything is perfect when really, your far from it.

Time to start thinking.

The reason I believe most of us choose to escape being concious is the evasion of pain and discomfort. Who wants to feel those emotions anyway. Pshh I’m better off without them. Here’s the thing. In order for us to get better things need to get worse before they can get better. For me, I know I have a lot of emotions suppressed and I’m choosing to be unconscious or unaware of them. I know it’s there, it’s like living everyday as a lie. A life of circumvention.

I cut my leg with a pair of sissors. I know im in pain and it hurts like hell. I have 2 options. Ignore the fact that the cuts there so it allows me to believe I’m not in pain. Another option would be to accept the pain in that moment, suffer but recover. Makes sense right. With emotional pain things are more arduous. It’s not as simple as seeing a problem then fixing it. With emotional pain, it can be hidden and ignored for a long time. People may think they’re strong by doing this, it takes more strength to do the opposite in actuality. Facing the pain, understanding where it comes from, why it’s there and what YOU can do to overcome it. That is a more healthier and logical thing to do. So for you guys today, I will be attempting to do what I’ve explained here today.Stop the bullshit and face and accept things for what they are.

Time to be brave

Here’s the truth. It’s not meant to be nice and easy to accept. For if it was they’d be no issues. The truth is hard to digest. Especially if you’ve been refusing to for years. It’s hard indeed. Here are some beliefs I have of myself that I’m choose to keep enshrouded. Firstly I don’t think I’m good enough, I think im not a confident person, I think I am purposeless and a coward. I think I’m worthless at times and that I have no use loving sometimes. I have this stupid belief that I’m inferior to attractive woman. The list goes on.

I am going to admit things which many people cant. That’s the first step in improving, accepting.

If I take a look at that list, I said I ‘think’ or I ‘feel’ at the start of each belief. Consequently all those thoughts and feelings have turned into beliefs. The second step is to question the thoughts and feeling. For thoughts and feelings are results of external factors understood internally. They’re not fact, but reason.

Why do I feel insufficient?

Why do I think I have no confidence?

Why do I feel inferior to the opposite sex?

Why do I feel I struggle in social situations?

Why, why why.

I need time to myself to really question these beliefs. That’s what I’m going to try. It’s going to be difficult but it must be done.

A smack in the face!

Before i start can I just say. I’m not a professional or anything else in that matter. I’m not a psychologist or therapist. Infact I need those things quite literally. I am just unraveling my thoughts and emotions here to destress and keep myself busy. I also hope it might help others in some way.

“Your thoughts are clouds, your emotions and the shadows. They will pass, do not become attached”

Make a move!

Ever feel you need a slap in the face? Like a hit back to reality?

I go through most of my day in my head. Thinking, analysing over evaluating almost everything.

It drives me sick from time to time and with this COVID19 going around, being inside the house has given my brain even more time to become chaotic. Don’t get me wrong I’d rather be in the house going insane then live this period of time in excruciating pain.

Things I do and continue to do in the mean time.

Cleaning, drawing, writing, listening to music, talking with the family and watching fruitful amounts of Star wars and Prison break episodes until 1pm.

This time has given me a moment to reflect on what it is I’m doing or not doing. It’s not everyday you get so much time to do basically nothing and not get told off in doing so. Well not entirely nothing. You get the idea. Although the things we can do are limited, the possibility to try new things or start something new is absolute.

Im thinking of writing fictional stories based of real life events, such as the virus. Make a story based on today’s pandemic and give it a twist to really create an interesting and fascinating story. Here are a few ideas I’ve thought of. One being that the Corona come from an evil place and is made by a hateful individual or association. Another background story to the disease would be that someone accidentally found it a spread it. Or the virus is an ancient spell that shouldn’t have been brought to life. Anyway it might be free fun.

I once heard if we don’t use our energy productivly and physically then our minds use up the energy instead. Makes sense. We got to release all our energy some how.

This post was to express how all of my energy is being released by my mind constantly running around in circles. Well squares and rectangles too. Just today I was cutting the lawn and it happen. I was in my head, displaced by abounding amount of thoughts, I feel sick now thinking about it. It’s an awful thing to experience when you really need to be omnipresent. I was trying my best to stay focused but the thundering thoughts pulled my attention away continuously. It sucks. I wish I could just be present for once. And that’s what I’m going to do. Good bye! No more talking about the past. Stay safe!

Dear reader

If you’ve read what I’ve wrote recently I just wanted to say I’m okay. I don’t need your attention. I just come to this site and just let out whatever weight that has built up on me. So if might be all over the place and random. I support and love all of you out there standing up for mental health.

Bri I’d like a chat with you. Talk about life and mental health. You guys seem really intelligent! All of use!

Thanks and stay safe!


It’s time you stopped trying to figure out issues you think or want to exist. For that is a way of escapism. Take off the covers of your eyes and begin to see the fucked up and broken things around you that need fixing. Because that my friend is what needs your attention! ❀️❀️❀️

I’m okay I just like to write out shit it’s therapudic!

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